i lied

i've dug a hole too deep,
and when i climbed out and wiped the dirt out of my eyes,
 everyone was gone.



this is not normal.
this is not improvement.

we're not the same.

Loneliness and sadness has been replaced with angst and contempt. I call people out & crave bluntness- don't beat around the bush. I'm not gonna put up with hidden agendas.
I don't know how to handle this, but honestly I'd rather have aggressive thoughts than apathetic ones. I'd still call it improvement from my previous state, because it's something I can control. I felt like I was stuck for awhile, like wheels in the mud- aggressiveness will keep me moving forward.
... I think. Maybe I'm approaching it the wrong way.
Things always work out in the end anyway. Although feisty, I am optimistic.

i think

i'm back

to normal.



:)

bad habits just don't die

Nailbeds become stomping grounds for pearly whites
biting, tearing
sitting in class
not worrying if ill pass
but instead
eyes to the ground, fingers meeting mouth once again they become

prey to hungry nervous thoughts

an oral fixation, the biting temptation, ripping sensation as my
poor fingers are subject to enhiliation

my enamel becomes weary, eroded, against cuticles these teeth don't stand a chance

gnawing, until it hurts, until I don't hurt, until my nerves go away, but they never do. but my habit never stops. but I can't help it, I say. I could. but it's too hard to stop. its too hard to let
these
phalanges
free
from torturous chomping.

pathetic now, I have nothing left to bite. they ache. but my mouth aches for more.


I can't complain too much, some have worse addictions.

all i want

is

to

be

stranded.


does stranded mean being alone? can i bring a friend?

if so, you can come with me. but i'll talk to myself more than i'll talk to you
be my company, for company's sake. accompany me. oh, you want to bring a friend? three's company.
it's getting a bit crowded being stranded here. i don't know if i'll stay for much longer.
i think i'll go back. i'd rather be stranded on my own in the real world.

you always want what you can't have, anyways.
but if you don't know what you want, does that mean you can have it all?

we're fated to pretend

when you're faced with life's problems & difficulties, there's only one thing to do: play dress-up.

maybe not the answer for everyone, but it sure works for me.

Good to sea you (go)

Motivation is somewhere in me but I don't care enough to set it free
It tosses & turns, makes me seasick but I just let it be
I was never a great swimmer but I'd rather jump off deck
Restless thought & lethargic waves makes us ship wrecked

I feel kind of like I'm standing in a running shower with an umbrella. I need the shower, the cleanliness (or do I?) but my umbrella protects me from the wetness; I'm so annoyed with the thought of being wet that I don't want to shower. I guess that means I've been getting stinkier & stinkier. But I don't mind, it keeps the people away.
It's just a phase. It'll pass, and i'll be back to normal. I'll like human interaction again & the sun will keep on rising just as always.
But for now I like the dark just fine.

empty

my house speaks to me the most when it's silent; today it says "you're alone, but it's okay."

all posts before this one

are very old. they were on an old blog, but i liked them so i transfered them.

that's what we're waiting for, aren't we?

Love is not symbolic. Sometimes when you pick apart something so much it loses its meaning. If you sit there and analyze it to figure out how it works, it is no longer special. You can’t figure it out, nor should you try to. Leave it be. If its love, let the meaning come to you. Not in words. That’s not what it’s about. It is beautiful enough as it is, unique and a feeling like no other. Don’t look into it, take it at face value. Enjoy it and inhale it and as it fills you up you’ll know what it means and you won’t have to “figure” it out. Don’t put definitions or labels on it. It is not literature, it is not art. You can study it the same and compare its likes to these concepts and ideas but never try to grasp its meaning, or else it just means nothing. Feel it, don’t feel it. Whatever it is, whatever it means, take it- don’t cling to it; let it leave- don’t push it away. It doesn’t matter what it is, but it exists and if you’re lucky enough to have it and experience it, don’t impose prior impressions on it or put any expectations on it. Knowing the feeling alone may be the sole definition. Feeling defines the word better than any dictionary could describe it.

But what do I know about love anyways.

go for it.

some inspiration

if you want it, then get it. dont sit there and think real hard about whats stopping you. dont set yourself up for failure; set yourself up for happiness. go for what you want and not what you think you want. be confident. it doesn't hurt to be proud of things you have accomplished. there's nothing wrong with loving yourself. if you do what makes you happy then what more could you want ? the answer to that is whatever will take you a step further to make you the best you can be. yeah, nobody really knows what their worst and best is, cause it hasn't happened yet. there will always be better and worse days. no matter what you can not prevent that, but your attitude will decide which side your gonna hit next. you have to tell yourself that nothing is ever good enough so that you will keep trying for better. everyone deserves the best of times, no matter how screwed up your life is or how many people youve wronged, everyone deserves a chance to be happy. but you know what ? no one can give you happiness except for yourself. you have to want it. sometimes its gonna take alot of work. you might feel helpless. but you gotta stay strong. yeah, it helps to have people there for you. but obviously you are the only person who will really be there for YOURSELF always and forever so its up to you. dont depend on others because once theyre gone you will fall on your face. you have to be a little selfish to get what you want, because in the end you are the person you will have to put up with for the rest of your life. im not saying to forget about everyone else. but the key is your priorities. what do you want ? is it worth it ? will it make you happy ? then go for it and dont look back.

meet me in outer space

i love

mornings where you wake up & you have trouble remembering what happened before you went to sleep, but then it hits you like running into a stopsign. The surrealism fills you & you get that tingly feeling all over, like woah that happened? but you continue on with the day. thinking about how grateful you are for the things you have and the things you experience. sometimes you just have to look around and see things for what they are. sometimes i wish people would look around more often period. whats your periferal vision for? its the things you see, "out of the corner of your eye", that are always most interesting. there is a misconception that tunnel vision will keep you moving forward cause all you can see is whats ahead of you. if we cant look around at what a mess we make then we might as well be completely blind cause you cant learn anything if you dont see mistakes. you need your full range of vision, physically & mentally.


but nobody asked me anyways.

attack of the Feelings.

i turn

into a monster at night, except not the big scary kind, quite the opposite.
I turn into a sensitive teary terrible oaf, huddled into a ball to protect itsself from another monster called the Real World.

It has happened everynight for weeks but I wake up a different person everymorning, ashamed and confused at the mess I am before I drift to sleep at night.

to boys, with love.

i'm tired

of every one waiting, to catch me at the right time, but it won't ever be, not for a long time, not you, or you, or you, i'm tired of the people who think they're good enough, cause they're not but of course i'm not straightforward.. enough to get that point across, cause i'm not a jerk, i am a nice girl, but the things i think do say sometimes reflect this simple fact about me and not what i am actually like, i'm no goddess but i know what i want and what i like, but hey maybe i don't really, but i know what i don't want and what i don't like, and i'll be damned if i'm a perfectionist but sometimes it's best, if you don't stop until you have the best, i won't settle for less but i'm afraid i might on accident, but i just have to be strong enough.i can, i will, no one can make me do anything i don't want to do cause i'm in control, and i'm not stupid, but if you think i am for one second youre to blame, youre at fault if you think you can catch me at the right moment for you and the wrong moment for me- when youre feeling sorry for yourself if i crush you,

its not me, its you.

we've got everything.

since my power's out, I've decided to write up a blog since I never do that. you know the places you go & the people you meet, its all so sudden. they come and go, even those who you think there's no other option than forever. but no, its just you being naive. the world keeps on spinning so that means you keep on moving even when you think you're standing completely still. everyone moves with you, maybe not in the same direction. those that are going in your direction, they walk next to you for a while until they have to turn at the next street. sometimes that person is going in the same direction as you for so long, you think they have the same destination as you. but no, eventually they leave. they too have places to go and people to meet. everyone's got a different destination. in fact, the longer you're in one place with someone the clearer this becomes. after you realize you're both headed different directions the differences between the both of you become more and more distinct. maybe its best to think this way about everyone you meet. but nobody wants to be alone. meet the people along the way but I guess we can't let these differences get in the way of enjoying the time, the small time we have with these people we meet along the way of where we're goin, where ever that may be.